Nature, Creativity & Grief

Let me tell you a little about my loss. I adopted a kitten in 2005 on New Year’s Eve. He fetched, he was sassy, and now he was my buddy. We had all kinds of adventures together at home, on get away trips to Port Townsend, and we just had this really special bond over the years.

Fast forward to Christmas Day 2021. My best buddy of 15 years, Midnight, he was pretty sick. He had been for a while, but this day was different. My neighbor even noticed. I had to make the call to end his suffering. He had some snow-globe-like growth in his lungs, per the vet. He had some weird calcification in his sinuses. His bronchial issues were very intense this day. Worst. Day. Ever. The in-house euthanasia provider came. She let me know that the alternative might be a slow suffocation process, so I chose to “help him die”. She could only come right away since her work day was over, so I had one hour to be with him. He knew. He hung his head. I felt terrible. His kitty brother, Blue and I had a talk.

After Midnight passed, I buried him at my Mom’s house with the other pets that had passed away in my lifetime. My Mom said some really sweet words as did I at the celebration of life for him. My brother had kindly dug the grave for me. I am grateful for my family.

In the week to follow, I was visited numerous times by a peculiar hummingbird I hadn’t seen before. In addition to this, I had a significant dream about a hummingbird that burrowed into my cheek and curled up to sleep there. I could feel the presence of Midnight. As you can see in the image of the hummingbird, it has a little growth on it’s beak. I was not aware of it until I saw the detail up close in a photo I took. I was so surprised to see the growth on my new hummingbird visitor. He would stay for long periods with me as I sat on the deck or at my window seat just inside and we would just look at each other. The hummingbird even spent time with Blue on the deck. These interactions were so precious as I was missing my buddy.

My photography continues to support me by offering the element of surprise, reflection, and by being a gift that keeps on giving. I have written about these connections in my journal, made collage images to further explore the connection between hummingbird and my cat. I’ve gone on walkabouts in nature to grieve and had hummingbird show up time and time again.